Have you ever asked the question, wha the heck am I doing? I have asked that question so many times in the past few months.

As you know I have moved to Lloydminster. We bought a house, we have settled in, and now we are back into a regular mundane existance of going to work, eating, and sleeping, and of course, watching movies. But I feel as though I am just existing.

Before I left Abbotsford, a person really important to me challenged me to make the best out of life. Not everything has to be negative, and everything in God's plan happens for a reason. He told me that I was making a good choice and that I have the opportunity to grow in ways I probably haven't for a really long time.......

I listened to his advice. I made those choices and now I am here. I am working as an addictions counsellor. It is a great job. I enjoy most of the people I work with (there are always the bad apples that drive ya nuts). But I am not satisified. I miss Northview. I realized how often I took my job there for granted. I worked with the most amazing man of God I have ever met, worked with a great team of people, but eventually got burnt out. Burnt out because I did not allow myself to set boundaries in my work place, and the boundaries set, crumbled. I did not allow myself to work through the emotions I was feelings, whether in my marriage, with friends, or really just life in general. I was too busy "fixing" everyone else's problems that I was not able to focus on my own. And I sit here now, occassionally, reading the Northview blog and truly missing the wisdom and guidance from pastors who were truly friends, people who truly cared and people who shared your faith. I miss Northview.

I feel I am only existing because I miss my friends as well. Their lives are moving on, I am missing moments in the lives of people I truly love. Jericho is growing up without me, as well as Gabby, Mik, and so many more. I was not able to be there for my best friend when she experienced loss so painful, she cried hard for one of the first times in her life. I am missing Birthdays, milestones, events, or just moments where you know when you feel alone, you can go and play Lego Batman for all hours and eat cupcakes with your favorite person. I miss times with my sister, who growing up, I feel I did not get to know the way I would have liked. These people were a part of my life for 10 years, some even more. I feel like I have walked away from the people I need most in my life.

Yesterday was a particularly lonely day. Thoughts of my Birthday I just had without my best friend, who has been there for almost every Birthday since I was 12. Thoughts of loss and grief experienced in the past couple of weeks. I truly felt alone. There was no one to really talk to about all this. I really wanted to talk, so I picked up the phone and was unable to reach the two people I wanted to talk to. This made the feeling worse. So my husband gets home from work and asks me whats wrong with me (and yes he did put it that way). I said I felt lonely. He replied that I should be your best friend so who else do you need? But really, has he not realized he was not home for one evening last week, then he went on a fishing trip all weekend, and then goes to his families the next day. I really dont feel like I exist in his world. He is back in Lloyd where he has wanted to be. I may go to his family with him, but he leaves and I dont see him for the rest of the night. I am only existing.

There are good days. I am going with someone from work to watch people from my work play slow-pitch. Should be good. It is Canada Day! Time for the fish fry and fireworks. I will chose to be happy, as I try to do every day. For the last year my motto has been to Choose Joy. I still choose joy every morning, but I am still allowed to miss the people I truly love.

I love ya and miss ya. You know who you are!

Lloyd.....

So its Sunday morning, pretty early. Can't sleep as usual. We are here in Lloyd and I had a job interview. It is one of those interviews that you are not quite sure how it is going to turn out. It seemed to be good but you are not quite sure if the people are awkward or they really like you. I find out Monday or Tuesday. Have I ever mentioned I am impatient and my husband is going nuts because for some reason he has become super financial guy and nags and nags, and nags and nags. He is so worried that I don't have this job and then bugs me about getting a job. Ugh. It drives me nuts but I know he means well.

I got to see my house. It is a nice house, a lot different of a layout then I have ever seen but it is a typical Saskatchewan bi-level. I love my kitchen. As seen in the pics from my last post. Right now we have too many rooms, we really dont know what to do with one of them. We have a spare room, a computer/craft room, our master bedroom, and an empty room. Yeah, dont know what to do with that empty room. Its a nice one upstairs too. My in-laws say it would be great for a nursery although we are not sure we want to have kids any time soon. Too much going on for that.

We went and signed the financial documents to find out that our mortgage is only as much as our current rent which is awesome! Although we have life insurance (which is like a mortgage guard but since we have a line of credit its life insureance) which is a lot of money, and then we have to have house insurance and then we pay for all the bills, but now we will have two incomes so we really dont need to worry.

My mother-in-law has been okay on this visit, although there were a ton of little jabs that I have to just ignore. She has good moments and horribly nosey moments that Curtis finally says something about which is nice. It mainly involves my ability to cook and clean, its not good enough to her. But whatever, I will get over it.

Today is Grandpas 70th so I should go and start getting ready. Going to church first. Honestly I am not that excited about going to this church. Maybe I am spoiled at Northview but it doesnt have great worship, and some of the best speakers I have ever heard. In fact, a lot of the worship leaders at the church here have no talent at all. Its hard to worship for me when people are singing off-key. Lord help me....

Off I go. I really need a shower.

The House Is Ours!

Ok so these are bad pictures, my husband was too impatient to take good ones. But here are my two I like, the front of the house and the kitchen, pretty much all I care about haha.

Life or something like it

Ok so Curtis is back from having a short jaunt to Lloydminster and we have 3 different houses which will potentially become ours. I am excited, nervouse, and have to deal with an overly stressed out husband who can become not so pleasant to be around. Although his dad, when back from Phoenix, is officially putting an offer in on our #1 house.

Other than that life is kinda the same, work eat sleep play... less play than work. Although my cousin Erin and myself finished Lego Indiana Jones 100%. Both of us very excited about this accomplishment. Yes, that is sad. We admit it. Over a plate of waffles.

I think I have a problem with my hip, and feel like an old person. I cant skate, because it hurts my right hip. Cant rollerblade, because it hurts my right hip. Cant sleep certain ways, or I wake up with a hurt hip. I AM OLD IN BODY!

So we think we found the house we want to buy. We will see. If you want to check it out its mls# is 38620 (I think). Its a brand new house and going for the right price. Only downfall is the lack of garage.

Things have been pretty good lately. Except for actually going to the gym. I think its been a month. Oh well. Luckily through work I get half of it paid for. I just need to get my butt there. A personal trainer (and friend of mine) once told me that she has clients that work 50 hrs a week and still make it to the gym so I should have no excuse. I asked if they were single... she said they will be. Haha.

Im still quite nervous about this moving thing. But Pastor Vic continues to give me words of wisdom and encouragement. I will miss him greatly. He has been a great boss, encourager, and really a friend. Although he has never had me to his house. Its cuz I am a dork, I know it.

Anyways, thats all for now. Not much to post. Although I think I may have really injured my baby toe. IT hurts haha.

1. My nephew Jaxon

2. Foster Baby Krystal- aks Sweet Cheaks!

3. Bonding time with Aunty

4. Stuck in an airport

5. My Crazy Family

So I set up my Christmas tree on Sunday (I will post pictures of that later). I enjoyed every minute of it. My husband actually volunteered to put Christmas music on so it would be more festive for me. The favorite part of all this is not only spending time with my husband but also opening one special box. In this box is tacky little ornaments. But they are special. 95% o them were made by Curtis' Great-Grandma. They consist of many crocheted items dipped in wax to make them firm. Little angels, fans, teddy bears glued to washboards, you get the picture. But without theses decorations, it would not be OUR tree. And I love OUR tree.... tackiness and all.

I have been to curves a total of 5 times since I got the membership. How sad is that. I once again make excuses for myself that I just dont have the time. Yet months ago I was challenged by a personal trainer friend of mine that she knows people who work 50 hrs a week and still have time for the gym so I have no excuse. So rewind, I dont go to the gym because I am lazy! But I have been eating better and am getting more inspired to go to the gym as I had to do my belt up one notch skinnier which is always encouraging.

I am super excited for my 3rd Annual Christmas Extravaganze is a party that I traditionally now do for all of my friends since I do not see a lot of them through the Christmas season. THis year we are doing a "bring an appetizer/dessert and a christmas item to exchange" thing. I am excited. Lot less work and a lot less clean up for me and Curtis.

Anyways, other than that nothing else is new. We are dog-sitting right now. Some moments it makes Curtis was a dog, others it does not. I want a dog. PPPLLLEEASSSE Hunny.... his reply... silence.