It is 2010

So the year is now 2010. Where did I expect I would be? Really, I am not quite sure. As a child I probably thought I would be famous in some way or another or just be a mommy. Well I am definitely neither (other than my body having momentary fame in a Thorpe commercial).

Here is what I have accomplished in 2009:
-Bought a house
-Got a job as an addictions counsellor

While those are two really big deals, its hard to focus on them. I think of all the failures and dissappointments. I think about the losses and the broken hearts. I think of all the arguments and issues unresolved. In 2009, there has been a gain of 30lbs (YIKES... can you tell I stress eat?) the purchase of new clothes so pants fit, and dissappointment when the new pants feel tight.

So new years resolutions...... are they pointless? Right now, I feel like they are. I feel that if I make them that it is just something else to dissappoint myself or someone else with. Instead I will make one resolution instead of many. That resolution is to find contenment in whatever form that truly looks like for me. It may mean a lot of changes that are uncomfortable that I dread making for my happiness, and it may mean someone else has to make changes. Either way, I am going to be content and happy.... whether it means heartache, grieving loss, or just plain old stubbornness... I will be happy.

Ok so its been a while but really there has been nothing exciting to post. My skin is gross because of the dry weather, ugh. -39 the other day and then all of a sudden it warmed up to -19 today. Should be interesting. Im hoping it doesnt cause a bunch of melting and then get cold again. I already feel like i should just ice skate to work.

I am getting more super excited about Sean and Erin visiting soon. Only 2 weeks left. I feel horrible about not picking them up. Maybe I will just do it anyways. I have the day off so it would be worth it. If I leave early in the morning, it should be okay and I can just take it slow. I will look at the weather forcast and see how it goes from there.

I have been having dizzy spells lately. I am going to the chiropractor today so hopefully that will clear it up. Dizzy spells suck. It came shortly after I got the H1N1 shot and the flu shot. So hopefully it is not related to that because I cant take this feeling anymore.

I have nothing left to do for Christmas which is nice, other than a little more baking. Although I am not eating sweats or potatoes right now. I know potatoes sounds weid but they have too much starch. Havent had pasta lately either and if we do its whole wheat. I need to lose weight. So far after 5 days of not eating those things I have already lost 5lbs.... only 50-60 more to go.

Well, thats all for now.

Life!

Ok so snow... dont even get me started. It comes, it goes, its ice, its puddles, its ice again, it goes, etc etc etc... you get the point. I think the weather definitely has a mind of its own and is doing its best to trick people into doing winterizing for a few days and realizing it may have been done just a few days...weeks... too soon. I am as much confused by the weather as I am sure it is confusing itself.

Nothing new. Seriously. I could tell you the uninterseting facts such as we put new hubcaps on my car so it doesnt look so ghetto. I could tell you we made my car look a little more ghetto by the fact that a few of my rear defoggers werent working so Curtis patched them, and the glass that should not have them as well. I could tell you we got over the toilet storage thing. But really, that is not that interesting.

We have a no-named cat. Kind of reminds me of Breakfast at Tiffanys and the poor cat with no name. So yes, we are that creative and call it Cat or Kitty or Mew or Dumb Cat or Stupid Cat...basically what comes to mind at that moment. She is a pretty calm cat. No complaints really, it barely sheds, she is de-clawed and fixed and has all her shots.... except for her crazy need to have her food bowl full constantly so she can eat too much and puke it up. Gross. So she is on a "diet". Insteand, we have to deal with constant meowing because her bowl is not full. I have yet to decide what the lesser of the two evils are.

Thats it, thats all I got. LAME!

Wow I havent written anything since July...oopps.

Life is busy as usual. We currently planted grass seed and did some landscaping so hopefully in the spring we will have some nice looking lawn. yeay! Nothing like driving up to a house with dirt all around it. And the dust that we got in our house was unbelievable. I probably could have dusted every day of the week and it would not have mattered.

Work is still going well. We are the beginning of the accrediation process and it is quite interesting. Lots of people milling around asking a lot of questions that I am not sure about. Oh well. I have been here for almost 6 months now and have adapted and settled in. I still feel a little lost some days when dealing with some clients but my confidence is growing a little.

Life is really not interesting at the moment. We are awaiting the snow that is supposed to appear by the 10th of October and I am not sure how I feel about that. It is not that I hate snow, it is just that my car is definitely not prepared, as well as my experience driving in this kind of snow. We will see how it goes. If not, Curtis will have to drive me to work every day.

Well that is it for now. Wish I could give you something interesting, but I cant.

Have you ever asked the question, wha the heck am I doing? I have asked that question so many times in the past few months.

As you know I have moved to Lloydminster. We bought a house, we have settled in, and now we are back into a regular mundane existance of going to work, eating, and sleeping, and of course, watching movies. But I feel as though I am just existing.

Before I left Abbotsford, a person really important to me challenged me to make the best out of life. Not everything has to be negative, and everything in God's plan happens for a reason. He told me that I was making a good choice and that I have the opportunity to grow in ways I probably haven't for a really long time.......

I listened to his advice. I made those choices and now I am here. I am working as an addictions counsellor. It is a great job. I enjoy most of the people I work with (there are always the bad apples that drive ya nuts). But I am not satisified. I miss Northview. I realized how often I took my job there for granted. I worked with the most amazing man of God I have ever met, worked with a great team of people, but eventually got burnt out. Burnt out because I did not allow myself to set boundaries in my work place, and the boundaries set, crumbled. I did not allow myself to work through the emotions I was feelings, whether in my marriage, with friends, or really just life in general. I was too busy "fixing" everyone else's problems that I was not able to focus on my own. And I sit here now, occassionally, reading the Northview blog and truly missing the wisdom and guidance from pastors who were truly friends, people who truly cared and people who shared your faith. I miss Northview.

I feel I am only existing because I miss my friends as well. Their lives are moving on, I am missing moments in the lives of people I truly love. Jericho is growing up without me, as well as Gabby, Mik, and so many more. I was not able to be there for my best friend when she experienced loss so painful, she cried hard for one of the first times in her life. I am missing Birthdays, milestones, events, or just moments where you know when you feel alone, you can go and play Lego Batman for all hours and eat cupcakes with your favorite person. I miss times with my sister, who growing up, I feel I did not get to know the way I would have liked. These people were a part of my life for 10 years, some even more. I feel like I have walked away from the people I need most in my life.

Yesterday was a particularly lonely day. Thoughts of my Birthday I just had without my best friend, who has been there for almost every Birthday since I was 12. Thoughts of loss and grief experienced in the past couple of weeks. I truly felt alone. There was no one to really talk to about all this. I really wanted to talk, so I picked up the phone and was unable to reach the two people I wanted to talk to. This made the feeling worse. So my husband gets home from work and asks me whats wrong with me (and yes he did put it that way). I said I felt lonely. He replied that I should be your best friend so who else do you need? But really, has he not realized he was not home for one evening last week, then he went on a fishing trip all weekend, and then goes to his families the next day. I really dont feel like I exist in his world. He is back in Lloyd where he has wanted to be. I may go to his family with him, but he leaves and I dont see him for the rest of the night. I am only existing.

There are good days. I am going with someone from work to watch people from my work play slow-pitch. Should be good. It is Canada Day! Time for the fish fry and fireworks. I will chose to be happy, as I try to do every day. For the last year my motto has been to Choose Joy. I still choose joy every morning, but I am still allowed to miss the people I truly love.

I love ya and miss ya. You know who you are!

Lloyd.....

So its Sunday morning, pretty early. Can't sleep as usual. We are here in Lloyd and I had a job interview. It is one of those interviews that you are not quite sure how it is going to turn out. It seemed to be good but you are not quite sure if the people are awkward or they really like you. I find out Monday or Tuesday. Have I ever mentioned I am impatient and my husband is going nuts because for some reason he has become super financial guy and nags and nags, and nags and nags. He is so worried that I don't have this job and then bugs me about getting a job. Ugh. It drives me nuts but I know he means well.

I got to see my house. It is a nice house, a lot different of a layout then I have ever seen but it is a typical Saskatchewan bi-level. I love my kitchen. As seen in the pics from my last post. Right now we have too many rooms, we really dont know what to do with one of them. We have a spare room, a computer/craft room, our master bedroom, and an empty room. Yeah, dont know what to do with that empty room. Its a nice one upstairs too. My in-laws say it would be great for a nursery although we are not sure we want to have kids any time soon. Too much going on for that.

We went and signed the financial documents to find out that our mortgage is only as much as our current rent which is awesome! Although we have life insurance (which is like a mortgage guard but since we have a line of credit its life insureance) which is a lot of money, and then we have to have house insurance and then we pay for all the bills, but now we will have two incomes so we really dont need to worry.

My mother-in-law has been okay on this visit, although there were a ton of little jabs that I have to just ignore. She has good moments and horribly nosey moments that Curtis finally says something about which is nice. It mainly involves my ability to cook and clean, its not good enough to her. But whatever, I will get over it.

Today is Grandpas 70th so I should go and start getting ready. Going to church first. Honestly I am not that excited about going to this church. Maybe I am spoiled at Northview but it doesnt have great worship, and some of the best speakers I have ever heard. In fact, a lot of the worship leaders at the church here have no talent at all. Its hard to worship for me when people are singing off-key. Lord help me....

Off I go. I really need a shower.

The House Is Ours!

Ok so these are bad pictures, my husband was too impatient to take good ones. But here are my two I like, the front of the house and the kitchen, pretty much all I care about haha.