I have friends who have lost the person they were meant to love supposedly for the rest of their life. Yet, I still am able to sit beside the love of my life, care for him, love him, experience life with him. Others have had that taken away.

I have never really got why God chooses certain paths for some that are so emotionally screwed up and yet my life has been pretty good. The only person I have ever lost in my life is my grandfather and he was well somewhat old. But I have never had to exerience too much of a personal loss. I have had friends pass away and one commit suicide but most of them had been casual friends, not in my close "friends circle".

At the church I work at, I just organized a funeral last saturday for a woman in her 60s who struggled with depression all of her life, and eventually took her own life. To see the family, so overcome with grief, was overwhelming for me. Some people cried silent tears but one daughter sobbed and wailed... like you usually see in the movies. But this time it was not an act, it was someone's true grief for the loss of their mother.

I am at a loss for words to say to people who experience such grief. I get that knot that feels like its rising up your chest and eventually will be that lump in your throat..... all I can say is "im praying for you". I feel like such a loser. Such a typical christian thing to say. That is not really what they want to hear. They dont want to hear "im sorry for your loss" when really I have no idea who these people are or were. Am I really sorry, well I feel bad for them but I think sorry is the wrong word.

So what do you say that doesnt sound stupid to the people experiences this loss? I think I just have to come to grips with the "im praying for you" thing because there is really nothing else I can say. I will not, most likely, be the person that impacts them in a positive way because I have to ask all the annoying quetions for funeral/memorial details.

My heart aches just thinking about the potential loss I could experience. I look above my computer screen at work and see wedding photos will a lot of the people I truly care about and dont think I could handle losing.... my family, my best friends, the love of my life. I sometimes have nightmares about my husband dying and the funeral following, maybe its because I have arranged 6 funerals in 2 months at my job. But I wake up absolutely frightened. I remember one night I must have only been sleeping for an hour and woke up and my husband wasnt there and I freaked. Only to realize he would not be home from work yet. Loss is something I do not want to experience but I know one day I will, not necessarily my husband but someone. What will I want people to say to me then? Will I really care what they say? Will I remember what they say? Will I even listen?