Have you ever asked the question, wha the heck am I doing? I have asked that question so many times in the past few months.

As you know I have moved to Lloydminster. We bought a house, we have settled in, and now we are back into a regular mundane existance of going to work, eating, and sleeping, and of course, watching movies. But I feel as though I am just existing.

Before I left Abbotsford, a person really important to me challenged me to make the best out of life. Not everything has to be negative, and everything in God's plan happens for a reason. He told me that I was making a good choice and that I have the opportunity to grow in ways I probably haven't for a really long time.......

I listened to his advice. I made those choices and now I am here. I am working as an addictions counsellor. It is a great job. I enjoy most of the people I work with (there are always the bad apples that drive ya nuts). But I am not satisified. I miss Northview. I realized how often I took my job there for granted. I worked with the most amazing man of God I have ever met, worked with a great team of people, but eventually got burnt out. Burnt out because I did not allow myself to set boundaries in my work place, and the boundaries set, crumbled. I did not allow myself to work through the emotions I was feelings, whether in my marriage, with friends, or really just life in general. I was too busy "fixing" everyone else's problems that I was not able to focus on my own. And I sit here now, occassionally, reading the Northview blog and truly missing the wisdom and guidance from pastors who were truly friends, people who truly cared and people who shared your faith. I miss Northview.

I feel I am only existing because I miss my friends as well. Their lives are moving on, I am missing moments in the lives of people I truly love. Jericho is growing up without me, as well as Gabby, Mik, and so many more. I was not able to be there for my best friend when she experienced loss so painful, she cried hard for one of the first times in her life. I am missing Birthdays, milestones, events, or just moments where you know when you feel alone, you can go and play Lego Batman for all hours and eat cupcakes with your favorite person. I miss times with my sister, who growing up, I feel I did not get to know the way I would have liked. These people were a part of my life for 10 years, some even more. I feel like I have walked away from the people I need most in my life.

Yesterday was a particularly lonely day. Thoughts of my Birthday I just had without my best friend, who has been there for almost every Birthday since I was 12. Thoughts of loss and grief experienced in the past couple of weeks. I truly felt alone. There was no one to really talk to about all this. I really wanted to talk, so I picked up the phone and was unable to reach the two people I wanted to talk to. This made the feeling worse. So my husband gets home from work and asks me whats wrong with me (and yes he did put it that way). I said I felt lonely. He replied that I should be your best friend so who else do you need? But really, has he not realized he was not home for one evening last week, then he went on a fishing trip all weekend, and then goes to his families the next day. I really dont feel like I exist in his world. He is back in Lloyd where he has wanted to be. I may go to his family with him, but he leaves and I dont see him for the rest of the night. I am only existing.

There are good days. I am going with someone from work to watch people from my work play slow-pitch. Should be good. It is Canada Day! Time for the fish fry and fireworks. I will chose to be happy, as I try to do every day. For the last year my motto has been to Choose Joy. I still choose joy every morning, but I am still allowed to miss the people I truly love.

I love ya and miss ya. You know who you are!